I'm Gonna Miss This

"You're gonna miss this

You're gonna want this back

You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast

These are some good times

So take a good look around

You may not know it now

But you're gonna miss this"

On Monday, I ease back into the grind of my job by starting back part-time. No doubt about it, I have missed the adult conversations during the day and my awesome co-workers. I am ashamed to say that at one point I said I was ready to go back. Now, work is the last place I want to go. 

As I sit here and write this with tears streaming down my face thinking about the above lyrics, the only place I want to be is home with my baby girl. I've spent every waking moment with her since the moment she came into this world. I've been away from her for a max of five hour stretches here and there. Now I'll be away from her for over 45 hours a week. That is 45 hours worth of cuddles, smiles, cooing, crying, feedings, swaying her to sleep. 45 hours of missed bonding. 

Don't get me wrong, maternity leave certainly wasn't the most relaxing break from work I have had, but after getting into the groove of things with Emma, I started to enjoy it. Maternity leave was definitely challenging and the last ten weeks have been the hardest, yet most rewarding days of my life. I remember breaking down to Matt shortly after she was born (gotta love hormones) saying I didn't know it was going to be this hard. The crying and screaming, stomach issues, lack of sleep for Matt and I, her witching hour and fighting sleep, breastfeeding and the million and one other hard things that came along when she was born. But all those hard moments have or will pass and those amazingly, good moments have so been worth it all. Every smile this sweet girl gives me makes me know that everything is okay. The love I have for my daughter is like nothing I could ever truly describe. My heart is so full it could explode. 

This week I have held her longer, snuggled her tighter and kissed her an extra thousand times. I cherished and took in every smile and coo. I inhaled her smell (smelly or not) and tickled her little thighs. 

I hope I can do this.

I know I can do this. But it won’t be easy.

(I had every intention of writing my top moments with Emma over the last 10 weeks, but am way too emotional and will have to save that for another post)