Supply vs. Demand

Before I had Emma, my goal was to breastfeed at least until I went back to work. If I could make it to October, I would be happy. Now, I don't want to stop nursing. I get emotional (seriously) just thinking about it.

The first several weeks were definitely the most challenging and I remember crying in the middle of the night just wanting her to latch on or for her to get through a feeding without screaming. Once we hit that four week mark, I remember telling my mom that we have hit our stride and it has been somewhat smooth sailing since. We have had our issues with latch and have had to use a breast shield since day one. Not fun at all, but now it is so routine that I don't even notice it. Then we went through a couple weeks of Emma having diarrhea that led to me not being able to have dairy products.

I went back to work at the beginning of October and have battled with pumping ever since. First was the lactation room: a small closet that could fit a three foot table, garbage can and a chair. That's it. This room is the only room in the surrounding vicinity and is therefore shared by many new moms. I tried talking to some about setting up a schedule, but so many of them were advisors, professors or PhD students that getting on a schedule wasn't really an option as their days varied so much. They would rather wait or come back later to use it. To top it off, I would go in and there would be fresh or dried milk all over the table. Gross. After giving this room a try for two weeks, I grew frustrated not knowing how I was going to do this. I then decided to use the changing closet up on my floor in the bathroom. There wasn't an outlet or a table, but I made it work. My co-worker brought in a short extension cord for me to use that I run from just outside the door to in the closet. Not having a table is challenging, but I make it work with the help of paper towels, a small towel and my Thirty-One bag.

I've been pumping three times a day but about once a week there are times I can only pump two times. It is challenging fitting it around meetings that I can't reschedule or back to back meetings.  In the last two weeks, I have seen my supply diminish immensely. At the beginning I was able to get 12-14 ounces all day. Now, I am down to 7-10 ounces. This is coming at a time where Emma is now drinking five ounce bottles. I can't even keep up with her demand. Both my mom and Victoria were telling me how hungry she was after four or four and half ounce bottles. We then upped it to five and she is so much happier. She is having three (sometimes four) bottles a day and I am not even getting enough for two of those bottles. My supply is so much less than her demand. I have looked up and tried so many options to bring my supply back up and it continues to dwindle. I have stressed about it so much this last week because I want to nurse as long as I can. I feel like I am failing this, failing her.

To try and keep up with providing breast milk for Emma as long as I can, I decided to start having my mom give her one bottle of soy formula a day. That way I can build up supply so that her other bottles can be breast milk. She took to the formula and had no issues with it. Luckily, Emma acted as if she had no idea the difference in what she was drinking. Since going up to five ounces last week, I have noticed that Emma isn't satisfied when nursing and still rooting around and trying to eat, but nothing is there. She feeds in 3-5 minutes on each breast and is trying so hard to try and get more, but not getting anything. I toyed with trying formula, but last night I gave her two ounces after a feeding and she slammed it and was so content after. Like she was relieved to be able to have a full tummy.

Like I said above, never in my dreams did I think I would take to nursing Emma like I have. This emotional bond we have formed in the last three months have been amazing. I can't explain it. I have friends that never nursed their babies or don't have kids and they think I am weird when trying to explain to them this connection that Emma and I have and how emotional I get thinking it may come to an end soon. No one truly understands it unless they have gone through this. There is nothing better than Emma and I staring into eachother's eyes and the smiles she gives me when looking up to me. It might be one of my favorite moments with her. I love when she holds onto my finger or clinches to my shirt, like she never wants to let go. Or the comfort that it seems like only I can provide her. That is what I will miss some day and that is why I don't want to stop.

I will continue to nurse and pump as long as I am able and we will see how the coming weeks/months go. In the mean time, I am trying not to beat myself up over this (which is easy to do) and enjoying the time we have together bonding while she nurses.